SOLVED: (already tried clean boot; clean boot it unnecessary)
- Go to "Programs and Features." (via right-clicking on what the "Start Menu" used to be.)
- Select "View Installed Updates" on left-hand side.
- Find "Update for Windows 8.1 for x64-based Systems (KB2984006)." (It is an optional update.) [Also see note at bottom]
- Right-click and Uninstall it.
- Contact Microsoft and have them pay me for doing their job for them.
Additionally you and can tell Windows Update to hide it for the rest of your life next time you see it there.
7 Jan 2014
Note: More recent experience made me realize is not just that update. There are multiple updates that cause this issue as I once again had to uninstall a different so-called "update." I personally have chosen to uninstall all updates not labeled "Important" and will not longer install "Recommended" or "Optional" updates as they are useless and seem to only serve the purpose of bogging down your computer and wasting space on your hard drive. Windows Updates are probably the only reason why computers seem like they are getting slower as time passes.
Good Luck surviving with Windows OS!