Only took nearly two friggin' months to get confirmation of a fix (absurd) but according to the case technician, engineering has supposedly fixed this with build number 24231.500.3069.4492
I'm nowhere close to that build (currently latest build available to me is 24162.2700.2930.6578). I'm told there is "no eta" as to when the fixed build will hit mainstream release, but (again supposedly) the fixed build is available via early release.