A family of Microsoft relational database management systems designed for ease of use.
Dave,
First, you need to get away from the spreadsheet mentality. Access is not a spreadsheet, its a relational database and data structures are very different.
An IF function in Excel is closer to the IIF (Immediate IF) function in Access, but still different. An IF statement in Excel is a VBA statement and is the same as in Access.
Second, as a general rule you don't store calculated values in Access tables. So using an Update query is the wrong approach. You do calculations in queries or on forms and reports, not in tables. The expression Mimmo gave you will work as a column in a query and can be used anyplace you want to display that result.