An Azure relational database service.
After trying all 5 or so of the typical reasons for failure (they're all over the internet if you do enough searching), I've found that the culprit is the server itself. I was using localdb when I should have been using anything else. Apparently, localdb is not designed for migrating data to non-prem dbs, but what is frustrating is nothing about this was found online or in speaking with MS representatives. Further, in SSMS, the option to turn remote connections on and off is available for localdb even when it actually doesn't work. This needs to be made more clear to folks who aren't senior DBAs.
Long story short, I got the data migration working once I moved my data to a localhost server using Sql Server 2022 and making the correct configurations that you can find how to do online.