Windows 11 hangs/bluescreens on boot, how to fix?

Question

Out of nowhere, the Win11 partition on my laptop has started hanging on boot. It just sits on the spinning dots indefinitely. Hard powering and trying to boot again gets it to show "Preparing Automatic Repair", load for a few seconds, then bluescreen and throw "DRIVER_VERIFIER_DMA_VIOLATION". And then it reboots and the vicious cycle repeats until the end of time.

So, instead of being content with my eternal suffering, I downloaded Win11_23H2_English_x64v2.iso, wrote it out to a USB stick and booted that. I was greeted by the familiar Win7-styled indigo-background installer, however without a mouse cursor, and no response from my trackpad. Not a good sign. So I continue, confirm that I live in Freedom Land™ and want to use Freedom Units™, and then go to the repair options. This is where things go downhill. The option to attempt to resolve boot issues fails out immediately. Great. So do the update uninstallation options. Fantastic. So, I drop into a cmd window and fire up diskpart to try to mount the drive manually and assess things. Aaaaaaaaand it doesn't even recognize that I have any mass storage connected! Absolutely wonderful!

Anyway I can actually access the filesystem if you need me to try something. I'm writing this from the comfort and safety of my Linux partition so I can try whatever you want me to from here, including writing ISOs to USB, etc.

I should note that my dualboot config has worked flawlessly with absolutely no issues for years at this point, and then all of a sudden the Windows end went kaput. I still have no idea why.