I apologize, I couldn't find the post, I didn't know I had to manually subscribe to be notified or it seems to have the question in my own account because there's nowhere to be found.
First of all, thank you for answering. :) It's serves at the very least as encouragement not to give up.
All domain controllers literally come from the same image.
As for the rest of the questions, most of them I answered already. I kind of already answered most of the questions. But I'm happy to repeat myself as long as it gets me anywhere.
I know FSMO roles can be transfer before seizing them ("if need be"), thanks anyway. I can connect to LDAP using ldapsearch and Apache DS, the server responds and all, only that is says the directory is empty, which I think that would answer that the service is indeed up. As you may know, is not exactly easy changing things like the firewall, or even the time in domain-join machines, specially domain controllers. The firewall is enabled because otherwise some software expecting it (such as SQL Server, for instance) throws a tantrum if it's not. But it set the most permissive, basically everything is green. These machines are segregated and offline. Security is not a concern. Clients can connect using plaintext, StartTLS (port 389) and TLS (port 636) to the service. The problem is what they get from it, not connection success. Replication, at least of directory data, SYSVOL, all that is OK. As I mentioned earlier, I ran the basic tests (e.g. dcdiag, repadmin).
As for LDAP logs, that's the only thing I'm not sure, because I would assume Microsoft would prefer Active Directory or "directory [service]" over generic LDAP. Which is the closest I got to that information in the Event Viewer under the Applications and Service Logs node there's a directory called Directory Service but there are basically no error event, most seem informational, e.g;
Event ID 2001; "Shadow copy instance 3 freeze started."
Event ID 3027; "Event ID 2001; "Shadow copy instance 3 freeze started."
Event ID 2001; "The shadow copy backup for Active Directory Domain Services was successful."
Event ID 1162, 701, etc.
Nothing stands out.
One thing I changed was increasing the security requirements of LDAP binds, but that was after the domain controller stopped responding to them, or rather responding something useful in them.
Thanks again, I'll start transferring the roles in the meantime. Disk and system integrity scans completed each twice and successfully, but weren't useful this time.