I got my stuff back! The below worked but I will give more details. There are a few steps I didn't get perfect notes of so they may be slightly inaccurate.
https://www.sysnative.com/forums/threads/0x80070057-error-at-the-end-of-system-image-restore.17023/post-131837
And in case the link dies here is an archived one.
https://web.archive.org/web/20230124182012/https://www.sysnative.com/forums/threads/0x80070057-error-at-the-end-of-system-image-restore.17023/
Download Macrium Free edition and create a rescue disk (or USB using Rufus). Unfortunately I couldn't figure this out using Windows alone. HOWEVER! If you want to reinstall Windows you can and use step 3 below to manually recover files you want.
Boot from the Macrium rescue disk.
Locate your system image. Inside there are VHDX files. These are the same types of files virtual machines use. Because of this we can mount them as if they were real disks and then have Macrium image them. The tricky part is that there is one VHDX file per partition. I ended up only needing the main C drive and not the system reserved ones but go ahead and do this for all of them
Open a command prompt. Use diskpart to mount the VHDX files. This should look something like below, once for each file
select vdisk file="F:\WindowsImageBackup\ComputerName\Backup 2023-01-05 042027\72fbe593-0000-0000-0000-100000000000.vhdx"
attach vdisk
Using steps described here (archived here) to prep your hard drive for restore. This is important if you're like me and have an old motherboard that doesn't have UEFI so you have to use MBR to boot. The VHDX files are GPT and if you directly restore them then they won't work because it will make the disk into a GPT one. Open up diskpart again and run the below commands.
list disk
select disk 0
// DANGER! Make sure you select the right disk there. You'll lose data if you don't.
clean
convert mbr
create par pri size=300
format fs=NTFS quick
active
exit
Okay, so now you've got an MBR harddrive with what will become the system reserved partition. I did not need to restore my "actual" system reserved partitions. The new one was fine. Restore the Macrium image to this drive. You can click and drag it from the GUI when restoring. There may be an odd "free space" thing in the image from the VHDX file but ignore it. I think it is some odd artifact of Window's system imaging process. Then restore!
Once done with that, as the article from Macrium says you'll need to use Macrium's "fix boot problems". You can do it right there without rebooting. Select that little partition you manually made as the "active" partition as it describes.
Then you *should* be good.
I hope this helps folks who have this problem. It is utterly insane to me that a Windows backup taken from MBR disks could not be restored to MBR disks using Windows's own tools. It's shattered my trust in Windows's backup process to be honest. All it would ever tell me was "invalid parameter." Totally unacceptable.
Most importantly I'd like to thank rutra80 for following through and posting the solution to their problem when they solved it themselves. They could have just said "Nevermind, I figured it out" but they didn't. I hope we can all be more like rutra80. <3