Whining at Work

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Apparently there are some rules about whining at work [from Lucy Kellaway interview on NPR]:

  • Some whining is better than no whining. If you don't whine a little bit (<= 3%) each day you may not be trusted by your co-workers.
  • Don't whine too much. No one wants to hear a constant complainer.
  • Only whine to your peers. Never whine to your boss unless you also propose one or more solutions (in which case it isn't really whining). Whining to your reports will only annoy them -- you have more power than they do so if you can't fix the problem, what can they do. You also likely get paid more than they do.

I did not hear the full interview but in case Lucy missed them, I humbly submit the following:

  • Whine about universal issues. If you must whine, make it something I care about. Don't complain about your hangnail or how hard it is to park your DB9 -- I don't care about your big toe. No comment on the DB9. Better to whine about:
    • The restroom. It is always dirty, smells (even after a cleaning), too small, too large, insufficient sink space, wrong soap, no soap, air dryer, paper towels, paper towels that are too rough / soft, sticky floor, old grafitti, broken latches, exiting requires touching handle (door opens inward), not enough stalls, stinky perfume emitting device in corner, etc. Everyone will identify with bathroom issues.
    • The food. Complain about the food joint that "belongs" to the building. You know, the one most convenient to your building and used when you forget your lunch/packed a yucky lunch/need a quick high-fat fix? The place that charges too much, has cheap napkins, forces you to ask for plastic silverware / condiments (penny-pinching misers), has incorrect mix settings on their soda fountain, cheap lunch meat, no upscale breads (organic rye made by free-range chickens), cranky owner, greasy tables/floor/counter, wrong chips, insuffucient seating, bathroom pigs, etc. Often times this leads to a discussion of the restroom.
    • The boss. Right after man picked up charcoal and drew elk on the side of a cave he drew the boss sitting behind in elk poop. It is instinct. We all work for The Man.
  • Don't always whine about work. Whine about your significant other, Project Runway, the Mets/Phillies/A's/Raiders/Colts/Texans/Davis Love III, the weather, politicians (carefully), your kids, other people's kids, a celebrity, Ford/GM/Mazda/Chrysler/Hyndai and to a lesser extent BMW/Mercedes/Porche/Astin Martin/Panoz, your lawn, your neighbor's lawn, the economy, house prices, etc.
  • Don't whine like a three year old. An adult should not sound like an over-tired toddler. If this doesn't ring true with you, hit the local megaplex on the opening day of any kids movie and, about 2/3rds of the way in, take in the sounds of whining 3 year olds. If you are lucky, you might hear similar whining from the parents.
  • Whine like a good comedian. When Chris Rock whines (complains), its funny. Ditto for George Carlin and Judy Tenuta. If you can't pull it off, or can't pull it off consistently (you have Sinbad days), don't attempt. You may not be able to use the same language you would down at the Friars Club, so watch that.

Time to whine. Off you go.